Here’s the transcript of a conversation I had while I was in San Diego for the first time last week.
Me: Wow, this hotel is gorgeous. Did you know that when you ask for a wake-up call they offer to bring you coffee and fresh fruit for free?
Other Party 1: I did not know that, but it’s pretty cool.
Me: And it is so close to the beach. I walked down there for lunch yesterday and ate fish tacos and watched people surf.
Other Party 1: Yep, the beach is close and it’s amazing.
Me: Yeah, I spent a week at a Cancun resort and it wasn’t anything like this. FYI, the whole Fish Taco/surfer voyeur thing has always been my Pacific Coast fantasy.
Other Party 1: OK, that’s pushing creepy, but I appreciate your enthusiasm. Please excuse me while I was away hep-ly..
Me: And it is gorgeous. This morning it was foggy and pushing the limits of chilly, but not “uncomfortable”-chilly, just sort of “I recognize some people would consider this chilly”- chilly.
Other Party 2: Yeah, people here call this “May Daze” and sometimes “June Gloom” because it’s about as bad as the weather gets here.
Me: You people are selfish jerks. You should bask in this all the time.
Other Party 2: Being from here and with nothing in my entire life to be upset about, I’m gonna let that slide.
Me: Even you people are amazing. I haven’t seen ANYONE here who even looks gassy, much let upset.
Other Party 2: What can I say? The weather is beautiful, the ocean is beautiful.
Me: And the food is amazing. I tried oysters here the other day for the first time and I nearly wet my pants. I had a Stone IPA and nearly wet my pants. I had 8 more, and I did wet my pants.* Why don’t more people move out here?
Other Party 3: People like to visit, but we do have relatively high housing prices.
Me: This is too perfect. You are all vampires, aren’t you? And San Diego is nothing but a huge nest to lure people here to visit and then you eat them, isn’t it?
Other Party 3: Yes. We’ve figured out how to live in the sun and not be all stupid like those Twilight jerks. Fortunately for you, this is So Cal and we try to be low-fat, so you should be OK to make it back to the airport.
Me: That’s rude, but it’s true, and I’ve been here long enough to relax and take it easy. Can I have another one of those Stone’s?
*Note: I didn’t actually wet my pants, but if I had I wouldn’t have been upset about it. It’s literally impossible to not smile the whole time you are there. It’s like they put Xanax in the water supply.