A bold statement, I know. New grills, demolition, and keg parties aside, I’m having a hard-time justifying the reason to continue this annual tradition for the following reasons (plus some I haven’t really come up with yet).
- It’s freakin’ hot. In St. Louis, the heat index was 115 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday. That’s Fahrenheit, people.
- Stinging insects. Sure, people always say “but bees make honey and pollinate things like almonds.” Guess what? I don’t even really like honey. And with almonds, if we really needed them — and I’m not sure we do, since cashews are infinitely better — we’d figure out some other way to pollinate them. And what’s with every other type of stinging insect? Has anyone ever said “oh, look at the magic of this swarm of hornets choking the sky with their bloodthirsty buzzing AND stinging AND biting”?
- Did I mention its hot? I took my kids swimming this weekend. And I was sweating. In the pool.
- Boats. Actually never mind. Boats are awesome.
- Jet skis on the other hand are a little douchey. There, I said it.
- Poison ivy, oak, sumac, etc. Let me tell you a little something about plants with “poison” in their names: if the only reason for something to exist is protecting its own existence, I posit that it should need two reasons.
Mowing the lawn. I understand some people actually enjoy this. Not a strong selling point for me since some people also actually enjoy Jay Leno.
- Finding somewhere to stash your kids when school it out. It isn’t that hard, but after 9 months of overseeing homework and packing lunches and coordinating the sports calendar I want a break too. Why don’t they have a service for this? Million dollar idea: make a service that plans (and executes on) your childrens’ summers.
- I know I’ve mentioned that its hot, but when your argument for why a season is great is that “the weather is s so nice you can do anything outside” but then you spend the whole season searching out the sweet sanctuary of air conditioning I’m not so sure your argument holds up.