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Below you will find an exhaustive list of rules for office-related coffee etiquette.

  1. If the coffee pot has this much coffee or less…

make another damned pot.

That’s it. Feel free to print this out and post it in your office kitchen.

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Disclaimer 1: I am not looking for a new job. Ijust  thought the topic would be a good one for you damned lazy college kids that just entered the real world. So, this article is geared towards you, but universally practical nonetheless.

Disclaimer 2: Please consider out body of work before actually following our advice.

Disclaimer 3: I am completely jealous of you damned lazy college kids.

Writing a resume is a fine balance of many things: 1) Communicating how great you are without sounding like a pompous jackwagon. 2) Making what work you have done seem important and 3) using words in the English language that only exist in graduate level text books and other people’s resumes. It may seem like a complete pain to write and put together your resume, but it doesn’t have to be. A resume is a chance to not only impress potential employers, but use it to challenge yourself with how good you can make delivering pizzas sound.

Communicating how great you are without sounding like a pompous jackwagon:

I’m sure in your days of college and possibly high school you had no problem communicating the fact that you were awesome. Whether this inflated sense of self came with the help of delicious libations or not, you more than likely flaunted it, puffed up your chest, and grunted like a tennis player to say “Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!” Now that you are in the world of the unemployed, it doesn’t quite work that way anymore. You need to effectively (and modestly) put on paper your accomplishments. There are a couple easy ways to do this. 1) Quantify your successes whenever possible. Examples of how much money you brought in or raised for something or a percentage you ranked against a group of people work good here. It gives potential employers a really good indicator of what you can do. 2) List out any charity activities you have done. Your work history may just be mowing lawns for a summer here and there. So, beef that resume up with Charity or Volunteer work you have done. It shows employers you care about stuff other than yourself.

Making what work you have done seem important

This one is a little tricky at first but is probably the most fun of the 3 rules to write. This is where you get to constructively adorn what ever work history you have with fluffy clouds and rainbows. Take for example the Mowing Lawns job I pointed out above. What most would put on their resume:

–          “Mowed lawns as summer job. In charge of keeping appointments on schedule and making customers happy”

This is ok but when you constructively adorn with Fluffy Clouds and Rainbows it could look like:

–          “Responsible for the meticulous grooming of 15 prestigious landscapes and fully accountable for being on time, on task, and ensuring 100% customer satisfaction.

This sounds so much better and it only takes a couple more words to complete. So don’t think of writing a resume as a chore, think of it in terms of a creative writing challenge that you can secretly find a little humor in.

Using words in the English language that only exists in graduate level text books and other people’s resumes

Resumes are a dumping ground for fancy words that no one in their right mind would use in passing. However, its pretty much industry standard to talk pretty so run with it. A couple of tips here would include:

–          Do not use the same verb or adjective twice on a resume. I have never really seen this one written anywhere, but it’s a rule of mine. Bill Gates made right clicking a word and getting its synonyms easy for a reason: to help you not sound like a redundant moron.

–          Use big words and corporate jargon.  You are new to the work force so I will tell you that people sound smarter than they really are. There’s no reason you can’t either. The way they do this is by using words that you don’t hear all the time. When you use words like “synergy, transcending, strategic and visionary” you are only making yourself look great. Keep it up.

So that’s my basic rundown of how you can spice up you resume. There are a ton of online resources that can help you with formatting and such, but I thought I would focus a little more on the actual content.

Online Resources:

Sorry, you are on your own for this one. I don’t want to promote a site I haven’t used. And after al,l you need to get rid of that Damned Lazy College Kid label and do something for yourself.

In closing and in all seriousness, if I can stress a couple things no matter what advice you use: Keep your resume updated. I update mine (disgruntled or not) every 3-6 months. It’s a good way to look back and see if you are growing personally and professionally in your job. Finally, and most importantly, don’t be an idiot and lie about your experience. It doesn’t help anyone to fib on this because sooner or later you will be caught and you will look like a complete butthead.


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